A trauma response.
I have been reflecting on relationship attachment dynamics. Particularly the anxious state of attachment that occurs in the absence of genuine connection.
Its so sad that when we experience big painful things as little people. we forget that we are inherently connected to everything. Our nervous system kind of forgets what its like to relax into softness and calm and be held by the great everything that is. There is a disconnect and with that comes an internal isolation. In this deep emptiness there is a hyper jumpy questing for safety, belonging, love...of course love and reassurance that we are ok. The capacity to feel ok is sought outside ourselves and when it is not met the anxious attachment continues. Rather than having a deep sense of okayness within we are seeking it outside of ourselves, never quite sure if we are doing the right thing to get what we need.
I grew up as a performing poodle. Turning tricks to try and have my needs met. I don't think I ever really knew what deep connection was. I don't think my little nervous system ever really relaxed enough to feel deep connection. With myself or anyone else in the family.
Since embarking on my own trauma healing journey I have learnt about how incredibly important connection is. With others yes, but primarily with ourselves and with the divine forces of the earth and the universe, nature, all that is. I am learning that these are connections that are solid and eternal no matter what anyone else is doing. They are foundations of nourishment. These are our places of true belonging. True belonging comes through connection with the wise self, the all knowing one within. The inner guide who will hold and lead the journey toward deeper connection and union with the world.
This is the constant challenge and practice. To show up for myself. Back myself. Learn to truly look after myself. Cook the food, drink the water. Do the exercise. Be there. Do the prayers. Be reverent with the earth and others Place myself in the arms of the Great Mother. Remember I am her creation, a creature of evolution. Connect with life and let it flow through me.
Sometimes life presents connection through the forest, the mycelium, the ocean or the wind. Sometimes its people, trees, flowers, animals or.stones. Its always there in the breath. Connection comes in .all kinds of encounters, we are eternally connected to all that is. The challenge is to keep remembering that. To receive that.
Since starting to explore connection in this way I have noticed a big pull away from turning poodle tricks in order to belong. In fact the poodle seems to be turning into a wolf who is rapidly out growing the pink tutu. Though I am reluctant to let it go I am finding myself at times ripping that thing off and running for my life howling, growling and baring teeth. Crying for freedom to feel safe in the connection to the raw truths within myself and within my world.
I am feeling the surges to become even more intuitive, sovereign and independent. I am also feeling a much deeper respect and understanding of what it is to be attuned and connected with one's pack. I am learning that true connection has beautiful qualities of loyalty, inclusion and presence with each other. It requires an undefended, vulnerably and honesty that is a quality I am learning to nurture from within.
Whilst the poodle is constantly exhausted with the business of turning tricks to receive the occasional reward, the wolf relaxes into the grand weaving of life and opens her heart to deep connection with it all.